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I want to do good

This is a thought that keeps coming up in my mind. I want to be a good person. I want to do good. What is the essence of this thought?

When I used to play concerts, I never felt I was doing anything. A lot was happening on the band stand, but I never felt separate from it. I was not busy holding a saxophone, planning what to play next, where to go. It all unfolded by itself. Whenever “I” started to appear in the mix – I want this or I want that, it all got messed up. When this thought appears, it immediately creates a distance between what is and the moment whatever I have planned for will take place. So, when I want to do good, I have positioned myself one thought away from what is. 

Wanting to do good means I am not there yet. Without noticing it, what I am saying to myself is that maybe sometime in the future, perhaps one day I might be worthy. I define myself as being some distance away from whatever I need in order to be fine. A movement is required. If only I could get this or that, if only I get some more knowledge. If only, if only… Everything based on the “fact” that I am already separate from it. 

Do I want to be a good musician? I did for many years, but not anymore. Now all I want is to express myself, and that is only possible if I am aware of myself. One day I will let go of even this wish, and in the same moment I will realize that there has not been one single moment where I have not expressed myself.I am the best version of myself simply by being. Being present in the conversation, being present right here without a need to be anywhere else. Or through the words of Osho:

“Do not define truth as an object. It is not an object. Truth is not there, it is here!”

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