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Taking Part In My Own Life

Taking part in my own life

I am currently at my hotel room in Munich, and I thought I should write down the reflections I have made the last few days.

This process of mine that I am going through has to do with recapturing my own life. Ever since I was young I have been sensitive to my surroundings. Other people´s opinions and points of view have played a big part in the choices I have made. In one way it made my life easier, as I could lean back and leave the decision making to others. At the same time, doing so has always implied me compromising myself, which has left me feeling slightly disconnected. 

My entire life I have worked as a freelance musician. Ever since I finished my studies, I have been offered work. I have participated in projects lead by others, performing music written by others. I have been more than grateful for the trust I have been given throughout my career, both as a musician and as a human being. At the same time, there has been a feeling of being a spectator of my own life, slowly losing sight of that which I would love to do for myself. After nearly 20 years, it has become almost invisible. 

From where I am standing right now, holding back seems to be based on the fear of lacking whatever necessary to cope with life, the fear of not being able to live up to my full potential. Perhaps I am finally mustering the courage to let go.

Yesterday as I was walking on the main street of Oslo, I decided to visit a book shop, buying the first book I found. My eyes landed on a book by the American psychiatrist Judith Orloff called “Second Sight”. Chapter two opened with the following quote by Christopher Logue:

“Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It´s too high.
And they came,
And they flew.”

This is how it is. We do not necessarily have all the answers for everything, and then we jump.

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