The only thing more impossible than staying is leaving

The text following this introduction was written two days ago while observing a lot of frustration. What triggered it was my first concert in nearly two months. I felt torn between sticking to the known, being music in its present form, or having the courage to follow the tiny voice in my head saying there is something valuable in what I am trying to convey through my words. The most challenging was trying to accept the massiveness of the self-doubt. Haven´t I learned anything during these years of studying myself? I had a long conversation with my father, and I realized once again that the cause of my frustration was the gap between what I thought I had to -/knew how to do, and what I wanted to do. The challenge with the latter is not knowing what is around the corner. 

The headline is borrowed from the book “Eat, Pray and Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it addresses the challenge of making choices when the outside calls for something different than our inside. Wherever we might find ourselves right now is more or less safe ground. It might be tiring at times, but if we are left with the choice of either sticking to the known or doing something we do not know, it often is easier to endure the present situation, no matter how painful it might be.

This morning I woke up listening to an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert. She was talking about her intuition. How challenging it might be to act based on an instinct that does not present us with the whole picture. An instinct that might contradict our rational knowledge. It will pay off in the end, but the path might be one of resistance, doubt and insecurity. Her words reminded me of the following text which my pride did not want to present. So here it is:

– – –

Observing my own doubt

As I write these words I am terrified when it comes to trusting my own intuition. The following contains the essence of my thoughts when I am doubt-ridden: 

I can´t make a living besides through playing music. If I trust the feeling in my guts and follow my dreams, I will suffer badly from the consequences. Consequences everyone but me can see. Since I am not capable of understanding, I will be making decisions that will create suffering for both my surroundings as well as myself. 

All that I needed was one single day spent in my role as a musician, and there is a feeling of encapsulation, limitation and restrictiveness. Frustration rises as that in me which is insecure desperately seeks an answer from the outside, while another part of me realize that I have to recognize the answer coming from my inside. The outside answer does not match what is inside. I have to trust that no matter how far-fetched and absurd my ideas might seem to be, there is a tiny chance that they might lead to a better and more honest place. Hopefully that someplace is within my reach, if only I could summon enough courage to reach for it. 

I am torn between the thought that this is just daydreaming, an idea which gets fueled by seeking advice from people that see the world differently than me, and the thought telling me to drop everything – that it will all be fine. I tend to lean towards the latter, but the other thought is working double shift to prevent me from changing.

When do I feel alive and creative? In conversations with people. In dealing with the different thought patterns that limits us in order for our inner potential to blossom. And yes – that is exactly what I need to work on myself. Perhaps this is the moment for me to say that this is a good day to die on? Like the meditation Dying before you die. If I let go of everything, what remains? Would there be more to fear? Immediately there is an opening.

– – –

…after writing these words, I went for a walk in the woods. I decided to hand in my resignation to myself at the end of November before travelling to Nepal and India. As soon as I made the decision, I immediately felt the natural flow again. I have no guarantee that I will succeed. That being said – let´s get started.