Thoughts after a train ride

According to Suzuki Roshi´s “Zen-mind, Beginners Mind”, in order to find your true self you have to have faith in nothing, just like the statement there are nowhere to stand. This is my experience at the moment. I have no idea where I am at. My personality, whoever I believe myself to be is fighting desperately to get some ground under its feet, but it is not so easy (neither do I believe this is what the essence of me wants). 

I sincerely want to trust my ideas having some kind of value beyond myself. That they might be something more than just mental activity. Perhaps the biggest challenge right now is the feeling of being stuck in nowhere land. When I am being rooted in my own being, I do not miss any definition or any particular role. However, when I am being too identified with my head and my ego, whatever role I would like to have seems nowhere to be found. For me this is unknown territory. Having to believe in nothing, not having a set of roles representing me when meeting other people. 

A friend of mine asked me here the other day if I had met someone, meaning a girlfriend. I realized that I have not been in love for a very long time. Is that because I do not allow myself? Is this a result of me trying to sort myself out? Trying to ground myself on the expense of letting the world inside? Or is it me not getting as lost in the world/in another person as I used to do? So many questions…

“All the buddhas of all the ages have been telling you a very simple fact: Be – don´t try to become. Within these two words, be and becoming, your whole life is contained. Being is enlightenment, becoming is ignorance.”

– Osho