I Am. First person singular form. Where does all the rest come from? I am inferior, I am small, I am thin, I am thick, lazy, rich, poor, bad, good,…
Here the other day we ended up talking about different beliefs. Why is it that we find it so hard trusting that there might be a solution to the various difficulties we are facing? A solution that does not require for the world to change? This does not necessarily imply leaving it up to him or her or that to fix it. What I am pointing to is trust. To have trust in one self. We believe we are inferior, superior, weak, a victim, unworthy – we believe the most outrageous things about ourselves without questioning them. How can this be?
If we look at a three-dimensional image, we do not immediately see what is there. If we use our eyes the way we usually do, the image remains unseen. However, if we take our time and somewhat change our perspective, it will not take long for the image to appear. How come we trust that there is something there to be seen in the first place, and that the reason we cannot see it is because we are looking at it the wrong way? Why do we keep at it, having faith in that which we cannot see?
Perhaps there are some similarities between the picture and the way we perceive ourselves and the world. Sometimes the world throws us challenges that seems too rough to deal with. Perhaps we wish we could change a few things so that our everyday life would be a little easier to handle. Is it possible that the way we perceive the world is part of the problem?
Throughout the years, wise women and men have claimed that our dissatisfaction partially is an illusion created by ourselves – a thought appearing in our mind. This does not automatically devaluate every challenge that appears in our life. If we hurt ourselves, the pain is there. On this plane the pain is as real as it can be. This pain is pure in the sense that it has no story attached to it. Our dissatisfaction on the other hand might turn out to be slightly more complex in its nature, and quite often our mind is a part of it.
What would the pain feel like if we dropped our beliefs and our convictions about how things were, and instead surrendered completely to the moment? No history, no opinion for or against. Why not give ourselves the chance to experience for ourselves whether there might be something to this or not.
My problem was that I was so identified with the one suffering inside. I was a victim, and because of that it was hard for me to let go of that which appeared to be myself. Not only that, but I was afraid that I would end up being numb – feeling nothing. If I did not feel the pain, there would be no ecstasy. I knew only the emotional polarities. From that place, no other reality exists.
It is like the fish. It has no concept of water. For a fish, water is all there is. If for some reason the fish had spent a few weeks on dry land before returning to the sea, the concept of water would have appeared along with the concept of dry land. The same goes for us. If all we seem to know are the polarities of life, then this is how it is. From a rollercoaster point of view, life is uphill and downhill and that is it.
A few years ago, I was at home lying on my couch while talking on the phone. Suddenly everything got quiet. It was like my inside came to a full stop. In that moment I realized why nothing seems to be the way I think it is. I had not spent any time dwelling on this question, I had not been looking for an answer. It just appeared. Nothing is the way I think it is. It simply is. If I believe something to be in a certain way, my ideas, preferences, beliefs, upbringing and so on gets mixed with what is. Whatever I believe something to be is nothing more than my idea about That. What eventually is there can only be discovered as soon as I remove myself from it.